The Day My Car Caught On Fire-A Duct Tape SAAB Story

God made the world, but it's held together with duct tape.

Honolulu Duct Tape Sighting!

I was stuck in afternoon traffic at Aloha Towers, when the engine cut out on my SAAB 900.

I pulled over, as the Japanese tourists enjoying their surf and sun "brain dump" looked on in awe as Adolfus,The Beast started smoking. Would there be life after luau for these temporary colonists, Team Abunai! That's what they were screaming "Danger" in Nihongo.

I opened the hood. The battery was on fire, and the cables were melting! This was not on the packaged tour---But Inspector Travelers were about to get an even bigger show when I pulled out the ultimate power tool and made Aloha graduates of them all...Let me splane...

The Honolulu Fire and Police came on the scene instantly, complete with 4-year varsity letters, Portuguese last names and healed acne scars. Spot on Guys! I was expecting Steve and Danno but due to the current Writer's Guild strike, couldn't make the trip.

It was a Code Marshmallow. The fire burnt itself out. That didn't stop the tow truck from hooking me up. I waved him off. Itold him I would do it like John Cruz sings, " Island Style".... Da Kine, Hawaiian slang for "whotsis", "thingummebob" or "watchamacallit.

Da Kine, The Hamburger Helper for Mainland haole (pronounced howlie) Scum

Auto meat grinder chop shops don't like Da Kine solutions, unless of course they are billing you for them.---I did not, however, give in to the urge of paying too much for things that comes with a side of Polynesian paradise.

Er, let me do the math, tow charges, plus mileage to Haleiwa's North Shore, parking fees, throw in Uncle and Auntie doing the repair. Sure I could drink, fight, laugh and love with the best, even get a tribal tattoo, but pay "Ohana" family prices, never.

I found it easier to speak and do the math in Hawaiian..because I only know like four words. One of them is Da Kine! the all purpose DIY solution.

Props to HPD who said the land yacht had to be towed, unsafe at any speed. I had other plans---A can of whoop asss---the essential tool for everything that life throws at you, duct tape...After all, this is no ordinary moter vehicle---It's a SAAB.

There are now 1000 and 2 things to do with er, is it duct or duck, tape!Oh you know, the 100-MPH adhesive.






Move over Victoria's Secret instant "boob jobs", post lasik eye protection, here comes Emergency Budget SAAB Engine Fire Repair Kit! Apparently, I am not the first SNAG, Sensitive New Age Guy to get Stuck In Traffic.

Here's to you Sweden, maker of the safest cars on the planet, and, The Ministry of Duct Tape and High Voltage, the Duct Tape Evangalists, and the crew at Henkel Consumer Adhesives and Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing, Co. (3M) who make the stuff for Wallet-bearing Americans like we who lack the patience, skill and dough to fix stuff right.

SAAB SAAB 900 SAAB Engine Fire Duct Tape